|
In some ways lying is at the low end of serious misconduct. Your teenager could be taking or pushing drugs, they could be engaged in other types of criminal activity or be suicidal or a number of other serious activities. So lying seems almost petty by comparison. And let’s face it, we all lie or have lied at some time.
But the problem with a teenager lying constantly can cover a serious problem and the matter should be taken seriously. In many cases a teenager lies because they think they’re in trouble or they want privacy which they equate with adulthood. That said you should realize that many lies, though never welcome, should not be treated with alarm.
When you know your teenager has lied to you, don’t overreact.
Tips for Parents
So what can we as a parent do to help our teenager break the habit of lying?
First of all don’t get angry. Shouting and making threats is likely to not only not cure the condition but rather may well make it worse. Yelling is often code to a teenager meaning ‘switch off’. My mother or father is yelling and that means it’s time to shut down. So keep calm and talk sensibly. But talk about what?
Well it’s important to point out that lying actually hurts people including the liar. If you lie, people lose faith in you and don’t trust you as much or at all. No-one wants to be disliked or not trusted so telling the truth helps make others like you and like yourself.
That’s where self-esteem comes into play. A teenager who lies will lack a sense of self-esteem. They know it is wrong and guilt about this behavior is never far away. But parents should push the positives. Being honest produces high self-esteem.
Honesty is a good habit to develop. If you tell the truth you don’t have to worry about getting your lies mixed up. One guy remembered a story from his childhood. As a boy he had thrown a ball which broke a window. His father told him that he wouldn’t get into trouble for breaking the window but he would get into trouble if he told a lie.
Remember that communication with a lying teenager, with anyone, is always a two-way street. It’s no good expecting your child to listen to you if you won’t listen to him or her. One good tactic in a discussion is to be an investigator. Ask questions to discover what is happening in your teen’s life. Listen. Why are they not telling the truth? Maybe they lie because they are being bullied or they want money to buy things or they are meeting someone in secret. Once you get to the cause of the lying, the matter can be tackled and hopefully resolved. If the problem is resolved, there is no need to lie.
The Role of the Parent
Whatever you do, get your facts straight. If you accuse your teen of lying when you are wrong, your credibility then and in the future is damaged and will need hard work to restore.
Punishment is always a tricky issue. First the punishment must fit the crime so a trivial offence which earns the equivalent of a life sentence must be avoided. But then the key is finding a punishment which the teen really doesn’t want.
Some punishments mean little or nothing while some really hit the spot. Removing their computer or cell phone or iPod might do the trick. Grounding them when you know they want to be somewhere is also likely to sting. But if the punishment is not really a hardship, then you might as well not give it at all.
There is always the “we are all liars” approach which may help if only to break down the ‘them and us’ situation. If a parent tells their child an example of when they, the parent, lied as a child, this might boost the communication.
One possible problem is a weakening of the parent’s resolve. They don’t wish to punish their lovely offspring. There are many experts who talk about ‘tough love’ and the need to be firm but fair. If your teenager is lying to you, tough love is perhaps not a good idea so much as the only idea.
Make sure you and your spouse are singing from the same hymn sheet. Both parents must adopt the same stance when confronted by a lying child. Trying the good cop bad cop routine may well backfire. Privately parents need to discuss their plan of attack. How are we going to approach this? What will we do if it’s proved the child lied? Get your facts and story down pat and stick to the party line as confusion between parents will not solve the problem.
Improve the Person
The whole issue of lying comes back to character. A person, including any teenager, who has a strong moral character, will find it easier to tell the truth. You would know that kids often copy their parents. If you set a good moral example, you will show your child how to behave.
Respect for others is the backbone of any value system. Show respect for others and try to have your child follow suit.
There are many tips or methods parents use when they believe their child is lying. Some parents adopt the “I’ll treat you how you behave” routine. This means if your teenager acts like a four year old they get treated like one. If you behave like a responsible person, then that’s how I’ll treat you.
Remember there’s a difference between being responsible for telling lies and being blamed for doing so. We know why kids lie. They want to hide something, they want their freedom, they’ve got a problem, etc.
Summary
The secret to good parenting is to have your teenager feel confident to talk to you honestly without lying. If they do, your role is to show them how lying doesn’t improve the situation; it most likely makes it worse. Lying is not the crime of the century but it can be a cover for a more serious problem. Stay calm and work through the issue by listening as much as talking.
|
