Without doubt, the number one issue in divorce centres around the children of the marriage. Unlike marital property disputes, which are usually determined “once and for all”, this is not the case when it comes to custody and access disputes. As circumstances change, either party may go back to court to challenge a custodial arrangement or to vary existing custody /access orders. This is where divorce gets messy and when this happens, it is the child or children of the marriage that suffer enormous damage. The underlying problem behind this is the all too common thought process of one or both parents, whereby the children of the marriage are no longer viewed as “our children” but “my children”.

This perceived change of ownership of the children is coming from the parent, not the children. To begin with, no one owns children. Secondly, if the children were “our children” during the marriage then what is the justification for referring to them as “my children” once the marriage has broken down? Is it because one or both parties now see themselves as sole parents? Is it because the custodial parent feels that having the day-to-day responsibility of the children entitles them to view the children in this way? Whatever the reason, it’s wrong.

It is the childrens’ perceptions that count here, not your own. There is a young 14 year boy called Bill who has his own website (called “Bills Areana) where he is pushing for Joint Physical Custody. Why? Because children do not see themselves as the children of one parent only and of course, they aren’t. Children do not want to used as pawns in the emotional battles of embittered or angry parents nor do they want one parent alienating them against the other.

It’s time the world grew up. Perhaps this is why Divorce Coaching is fast becoming a growth industry and is now being mandated as a pre-requisite to divorce in various jurisdictions. After decades of divorce and being second-generation divorcers ourselves, we appear to have learnt absolutely nothing about how to deal with it in a dignified and responsible manner.  Thank goodness for the likes of Christina McGhee who is at the forefront of bringing about desirable divorce practices by emphasising how parents should separate their feelings from their kids’ feelings, and their situations from their kids’ situations.

The parents were Mom and Dad during the marriage and divorce doesn’t change that. When you’re talking to your children about their Mom or their Dad, refer to them that way and avoid any form of derogation of the other parent. The children don’t want to hear it and it will come back and bite you later on.

Stop damaging your kids and yourself unnecessarily in a divorce. In my book, “How To Win When Facing Divorce” when I refer to “winning” it is not about getting even with the other person. It is about fairness, equality and feeling good about the decisions you make. In order to achieve this, you must put your kids first, by separating your feelings and own situation. You’re not doing this if you view the children as “my children” rather than “our children”.