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ummmusaab
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Best course of action - 2006/12/22 23:15 Hi, please can you offer any advice on this situation.

My teen was recently did something and tried to cover it up with lying, deception etc. We dealt with it calmly, and a rational manner, we talked through the possible consequncesand of thigns like this and she was told to stop. Her phone was taken away as punishment and was told that she can have it back once trust is restored.

Things seemd to be going okay but then we discoverd she secretly took her phone back, and she did not stop what she was doing. Now she refuses to give the phone back, stormed out of the house when i demanded it and i dont have the heart to take it away from her 'secretly'.

She also claims that she has stopped the action, and understands why its bad etc - . but after going through her phone one day (she was in the bathroom) I discovered a message which showed me that she has not stopped and is still lying to me.

I have offered plenty of opportunites to fess up, but the lies still continue and she has a go at me for not believing her even when she's told the truth, and so she cannot be 'bothered' with me any more and tells me to believe what i want.

I have not confronted her about the message 1 - because i feel guilty for doing so in the first place and 2 - it just makes her more secretive.

Please can you offer any support. She's a good girl, she just turned 14, i want to deal with this properly so things dont end up from bad to worse.
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Re:Best course of action - 2006/12/23 09:31 When trust is broken in a parent-teen relationship it can be hard to regain. It is a good thing that you dealt with the situation in a rational manner and communicated with your teen but her further actions of defiance (taking the phone) did make the situation confusing for a parent. Regarding the manner in which your teen’s lying has continued,
don't be so hard on yourself as a parent. You are adjusting to your teen's behavior. First, accept that lying is indeed an issue that a number of parents deal with especially once their children hit the age of teens. Give it some time so that you can read your teen better and understand why at times she does lie. Once you observe her and notice patterns of behavior, it will be a better opportunity for you to approach her regarding her lying. For both you and your teen, relax and take things a step at a time!
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ummmusaab
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Re:Best course of action - 2006/12/24 04:04 Thank you very much for your response.

I have been obsering her and i think maybe she has developed very low self-esteem as i am not the only person she lies to. She's been making up things and telling other people (her friends) places she's gone to (when she hasnt) things that shes got (when she doesnt) which is leaving me baffled. I'm guessing she's trying to live up to a certain image and the lies are said to cover up her 'short-falls'.

Maybe her lying to me is her means of covering up her shortfalls over my expectations on her actions. How would i go about things with her? On the one hand i can understand the pressures on her, but on the other hand how do i react when boundaries are crossed and help her at the same time?

I'm still confused on what to do over the phone issue. It was given to her as a gift from someone and i always told her that if she is found irresponsible, it would be confiscated. Should is still stick to this or is it wiser to let this go?
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Re:Best course of action - 2006/12/26 06:55 It's a good thing that you observed her behavior and drew a theory from a pattern of her actions. Low self-esteem in a teenager isn't something that you should simply let past. It would be a good idea to have a talk with her about self-image and if she is reluctant, seeking help from others should be considered (guidance counselors or therapists included). The earlier, the better. Saving a teen from a sick self-esteem can mean worlds of difference later on.
Of course all this doesn't mean that you should look the other way when your teenager is acting defiantly. You should tell her what's right when she veers off to the wrong path. This is responsible parenting. Get her the help she needs with her self-esteem, but don't let her do just whatever she wants because of it.
About the phone, it will really be up to you to weigh this issue since you are the one who really knows all the details but if you do decide to let it go, make sure that you explain why and not just let her get off scott-free. This way she still knows that you are in control of the situation and what you do is all in her best interest. Goodluck!
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