shiningpathb4me
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Defiant behavior - 2007/01/23 01:42
I got a call today from my 15yo son's Asst Principle. My son showed up for school today with a nose ring and it was his 8th uniform violation this year. They wanted to let me know that they would be putting him in "retrack" for a few days. This is where the kid goes to a time-out room, or study hall setting to do their work, and they aren't allowed to go to class with their friends.
Some background:
Body piercings and tatoos are forbidden in my house. I finally gave in and let him dye his hair, as long as it was a natural color, and nothing weird. He has tried to pierce his upper and lower lip, now his nose. I've put him on restriction for these acts, and confiscated the jewelry. He keeps getting more.
He is very bright, but has a problem. Last year he was diagnosed with ADD/OD and given a prescription for an amphetamine. He didn't like taking the meds, and when summer vacation came along I didn't make him take them. This year, he refuses to take them, and i gave up, hoping he could get control of his schoolwork without them. (It's really hard for me to make him take a dangerous drug but i'm beginning to think I'll have to if we are going to get through this year, problem is, it's going to create a lot of discord if i can't figure a way to get him to want to take them)
He seems to want to rebel from school authorities in the presence of his friends. He continues this behavior even though he knows he will get in trouble. In the home, he sometimes acts as though he doesn't realize that his words or behavior are upsetting me. I can be so angry I'm shaking and seeing red yet he just smiles and holds up his puppy saying something like "look dad, look at this cute lil pup". He continues to say silly things or talk like a baby while i'm trying to talk to him about something. When i have something serious to discuss with him, he doesn't pay attention, or acts like he doesn't care if I get angry.
In the classroom he is disruptive. When a teacher corrects him or asks him to stop, he gives them the same routine he gives me. His peers think it's funny or cute. The principle told me he was in a clique of kids thats stands outside after the bell rings in the morning, and goes to class late. They continue to do it even though they know they'll get in trouble.
He has his nose so far up his girlfriends skirt that he doesn't know what day it is. He could spend 18 hours/day on the phone with her. She is like an addictive drug. He keeps using to the exclusion of all other things. Homework and grades aren't on his radar, anywhere.
When he comes home today, I need to say or do something. I need to punish him, but i don't know how. I can't let this become all out war. He has tried to run away and live with his friends twice in the past when he felt I was being too strict. I feel like he's in control of this, not the other way around. Right now, this is what i'm thinking:
1. No telephone priviliges - I'm going to call his little girlfriend and explain why. She's a very sweet girl, very respectful, and always does what her mother tells her to do. I want her to realize that if my son doesn't behave at home or in school, then she isn't going to be able to talk to him, and perhaps she can influence his behavior for me. I'm going to call her first, and explain the situation, and give him one last chance to talk to her until his restriction ends. They go to different schools, so he won't be able to see her until restriction ends.
2. Grounded to the yard - I won't let him go anywhere this week, or this weekend. That means no youth night at church on Wednesday, and no mall or friends houses either.
3. Take his door off the hinges so that he cannot pierce himself or scratch her initials into his skin. (yes, thats what he does since he can't get a tatoo)
Thats the punishment, but that's only part of it. How do i make this work? Am I doing the right thing? I don't want war, I want respect, discipline, and good grades.
*** EDITED ***
Now that I've looked around I think I need behavior modification therapy, so I'm studying that now. I'm on step one, "Repairing the relationship". According to one source, "Tensions that have built up over time can cause any new program to fail. If you have developed patterns of becoming exasperated and angry each time your child misbehaves, or if you find yourself yelling and punishing with much frequency, but without results, try to first take some time to repair the relationship."
They go on to give an example of a room cleaning excercise. I think, that this is where I should start. So today, I'll put him on a 'restricted to the premises' restriction only, and tell him the rest of his punishment is cleaning his room. Then, i'll go in every five minutes and compliment him on something he's done, never mentioning what he has'nt (hopefully he'll do something!)
Question: What next? Any other scenarios that i can act out with him and compliment his performance on?
Post edited by: shiningpathb4me, at: 2007/01/23 02:21
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