vja4Him
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Son Turned Against Father - 2007/02/18 04:34
I am a single father, raising my two boys alone (B just turned 10, and D will be 15 in April, 2007). Their mother left us January, 2005. We fought a vicious court battle, and I won custody. The boy's mom has disappeared for about eight months now. My youngest son, B, has suffered serious trauma, but has made good progress. He has been seeing a therapist for about eight months, and also sees a psychiatrist.
The three of us have been involved in Celebrate Recovery for about 16 months now. My oldest boy has been very active with Celebrate Recovery, and even wanted to start a youth recovery band. He enjoy(ed) playing his guitar very much, until recently.
My oldest son, D, has turned against me, has become very withdrawn, and is suicidal. The nightmare began .....
My son has recently become very hostile towards me. Saturday evening, February 3rd, he threatened to kill himself. I called 911. The police came out and took him away to SBHC (Stanislaus Behaviorial Health Center). They evaluated him, and took him to the Hutton House. He stayed at the Hutton House for 12 days, and seemed to be making some progress. They released him two days early, claiming that he was stabilized.
Services for children have been seriously cut in our county, so there is no longer a place where they can lock up children for observation/safety. I cannot afford to drive the long distance to other places where they might lock up my son.
When my son, D, threatened to kill himself, he told me that he couldn't handle the pressures of life anymore, and that he has been thinking about killing himself for a long time. During his stay at the Hutton House, I met with several counselors twice. There were two counselors present during the first session, and three counselors present the second session.
The same day that my son came home, he wanted to go to his youth group at church. My two boys and I went to Family Night. My youngest son went to the AWANA club. Before church, my oldest son and I had met with the pastor who does counseling. My oldest boy seemed to connect with the pastor and agreed to the ideas he suggested.
The next day, Thursday, my oldest boy became very negative, hostile, and told me again that he does not want to live with us. He told me that he can't follow my rules, and that he needs to do life on his own terms. He thinks that I'm unreasonable, asking him to do too much (too many chores, accept too much responsibility, holding him up to high standards ....).
My son D has turned against me to the point that he doesn't want to live with us, and even claims that he has never wanted to live with us. I know for certain that this is not true! I have been very actively involved with my children ever since they were born. The day my son, D, threatened to kill himself, we had been swimming earlier that morning, and everything seemed to be just fine!!
Even though we are poor, my oldest son has so many good things going for him. He has lots of friends, gets to spend the night with his friends, have them over, go on trips with the youth group, goes to church regularly, is invloved with the youth at Celebrate Recovery at two churches, plays(ed) his guitar at home as loud as he wants to, just got a new iPod, has hundreds of albums to listen to, his own tv, boombox, cd player, bicycle, computer .....
(The boys' mother was never involved with the kids personally, and she had even expressed openly many times that she wanted her friends to adopt our boys. She and her friends even had my youngest son convinced that we found him in a dumpster, and that I was not his father!!)
My son is not being honest, and is in complete denial. He has become so negative, that he has a negative answer for everything. He cannot give me any specific reasons why he doesn't care about me or his little brother (age 10), or why he doesn't want to live with us anymore. He has become very lazy, irresponsible, defiant, always wants his own way, doesn't like things that he used to enjoy (favorite foods, playing guitar, activities).
We have had lots of stress in our lives, but things have stabilized pretty much. Last summer (2006) we moved from our tiny apartment into an older three bedroom home. We have lots of space now.
Some of the stress factors in our lives: 1) D got kicked out of the guitar class (he loves to play guitar), 2) got kicked out of high school (low grades, and poor attendance - he was on a district transfer, and was held to much higher standards than regular students), 3) Lost a good friend of the family two days before Christmas, 4) financial problems, 5) medical problems, 6) boys' mother caused great trauma (abuse by her and her friends), 7) boys' mother has abandoned them
I can't afford the costs of a private school. We have Medical, so my boys can see a therapist. My son D was evaluated by my younger son's therapist, but will have to see a different therapist (conflict of interest), hopefully soon.
I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!! My son D is turning away from everyone who loves him and cares about him. One of the pastors at his home church came to visit him at the Hutton House, but D refused to see him.
Now my son D is talking about getting immancipated. I really don't want to lose my boy. He is suffering from trauma, which seems to be much worse than his younger brother. My youngest son, B, is a role model of how we should work our recovery!! He is very outspoken, shares his problems and concerns, and admits that he has issues and deals with them in a healthy manner, and openly accepts advice and help from anyone!
I'm very concerned that my oldest boy might try and hurt himself, or run away, or end up in a foster home. I'm afraid that if he goes to a foster home, I may lose him for good. He refuses to follow simple rules, and becomes very angry and hostile when I give him consequences. He even wrote down a list of consequences, which he agreed to follow (as advised by counselors at the Hutton House), but refuses to apply anything that he learned at the Hutton House.
I'm at my wits end, and cannot get a good nights sleep. My youngest boy, B, is very stressed out, has trouble sleeping, and cannot concentrate in school. He cries often, and tries to talk with his brother, but his older brother only makes matters worse.
To complicate our situation further ... our landlord is having the place assessed, which must mean that she wants to sell the house. I'm afraid that we may have to move, which I cannot afford!! This will mean, most likely, that we will be homeless. I hope that we can stay, but .........
I also have serious health problems, which make it difficult to work. I don't have any choice, I must work. We do have a roommate who helps pay the rent. She will also be homeless too, if we have to move. Any suggestions, resources, phone numbers, prayers .... would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks and God bless.
-- vja4Him
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admin
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Re:Son Turned Against Father - 2007/02/19 12:38
That is a lot to comment on. But after going through everything, it appears that every issue you mentioned should be dealt with one by one and not taken in all together because this can be quite overwhelming (even for someone just reading about it). Take each issue you mentioned and find an appropriate solution or at least one which can better the situation until a better answer comes forward. For example, regarding your son’s passion for the guitar, why not try staging an instance where he gets a chance to perform even just for numbers? Or get in contact with his old playing buddies from the youth recovery group in order to re-awaken the simple fun he enjoyed while playing. Try using his love for guitar playing as an opening into his world. About the boys’ mother, constantly make them aware of their mother’s true actions, so as not to leave any tainted thoughts in their mind about you and your own parenting. Make sure that you reaffirm your presence in their lives despite their own mother’s absence. Also, make the best use of the therapy that your boys can avail of. Therapy for stressful situations, depression, and thoughts of suicide is a definite must. Finally, in order to deal with your stress as a parent you should talk to someone as well. If the idea of talking to a therapist alone about your boys’ situation makes you feel unstable as a parent, you should definitely consider the idea of family therapy. Family therapy may be most ideal in a situation such as this one where many different factors are affecting your relationships within the family unit. Give it a try and see how things go from there. It is very difficult to be patient when your teenager is showing you his utmost defiance, but there really is no way to just simply tell your troubled teen to snap out of it. Healing takes time.
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susan53024
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Re:Son Turned Against Father - 2007/04/17 04:36
Would there be a possiblity that your son could be doing drugs. Some of the behavior I read reminds me of my son when he started smoking pot.
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vja4Him
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Son Has Violated My Trust ...... - 2007/04/21 15:58
Thanks for your advice. The problems with my son have escalated ..... He stole over $2,500.00 from me!! He finally admitted to stealing the money, and took me to one of his friend's, who was holding the remaining amount, about $1,400.00. They also had a bunch of stuff that he had bought for himself and friends from the Mall.
We went to the Mall and returned what we could, and got back about $500.00, but there is still over $500.00 missing, which my son claims he doesn't know what happened to .... I called the police, and they said they couldn't do anything. They spoke with my son, but he wouldn't admit to stealing the money at the time.
The Security at the Mall has banned my son from all the stores, and Spencer's told my son that if they ever see him again, in any of their stores, they will have him arrested!!! I hope that he received the message and understands the seriousness of his actions.
I've been getting help from several pastors, counselors, and my son's therapist. I took just about everything away from my son, including: alarm-clock radio, both guitars, amplifier, all the cords, tv, vcr, dvd player, CD player, all of our CDs, cassette tapes, and DVDs, bicycle, boombox .....
I also ordered a case of drug-testing kits, 24-pack, and will drug test my son at random. I'm also enrolling both of my boys in a program called, "New Start," similar to the "Scared Straight" program. I met with the program director. The first night the only the parents will meet. The second and subsequent meetings is for the family, and if my oldest son doesn't show up, the police will go to our home and will handcuff him, arrest him, and take him to Juvenile Hall!!! The program runs for three months.
The sessions deal with drugs, violence, crime, sex, learning how to cope with various issues. The kids go into the prison, and meet with the hard core prisoners. Also, the kids will go to the morgue and take a good look at the dead bodies!!!
The director told me that the program has changed the lives of many kids, and set them back on the right path. New Start is sponsored by First Baptist. I believe they have been offering the program for about 10 years now, with the help of the local police and prison.
I'm hoping that my son will take this matter more seriously and learn his lesson! The Celebrate Recovery pastor came out to the house where the kids were keeping the money and stuff, and had a serious talk with my son for at least an hour. My son agreed to meet with an accountability partner, one of the youth leaders from church. The pastor will keep tabs on my son and make sure he is following through with the agreement.
From now on, my son is on black-out, and I will be setting very strict boundaries for him. He also has to work to earn money so he can pay me back the missing $500.00. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to allow him to earn his stuff back. I know many parents who would not return his stuff. The police told me that I should hock his stuff off at the local pawn shop. I'm not sure about that .......
So now we begin the healing process, which will most likely take years. I've lost any trust I had in my son, and he has damaged his integrity, and hurt my reputation as well. He has lost some of his friends, including his girl friend. I spoke with her mother, and she doesn't want anything to do with my son.
I've had to remove so many things from our home and put into storage. I lock my door when I leave, carry around valuables in a backpack everywhere I go, hide my wallet and daily planner under my matress when I'm sleeping.
I've told my son that if he gets into trouble again, he will be at the mercy of the judicial system. I'm am just praying that God will do a miracle in his heart and mind, and that my son will turn over a new leaf. I just can't believe that my own kid did this to me!! I never thought my children would betray their own father ....... Lord have mercy.
And all this happened while we were in the middle of packing our stuff, getting ready to move. Then my roommate relapsed ..... so now we are looking for another roommate or two, and another place to move into.
I thank God that He has given me the strength to make it through all this mess, and I'm still clean and sober ..... 26 years and 7 months. Waiting for my 26-year chip to arrive at Celebrate Recovery. Praise be to God. Without His grace and mercy, I could never have made it this far .....
-- vja4Him
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luke07
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Re:Son Has Violated My Trust ...... - 2007/05/17 15:46
All my prayers are with you and the two boys. Keep the faith and hold on.
____________________
luke07
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