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Tracyleeann
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15 year old son will not accept reality - 2007/04/13 05:49 Hello,
Forgive me if this is the wrong area to post this,I'm new to this forum.

My son Jeremiah is 15 and will not accept he will repeat grade 9. The school system here has pushed him since grade 3 into the next grade dispite my husband and myself asking them not to. Jeremiah was not ready for future grades and fell further behind. Last year because of a miscommuntication the school knowing full well Jeremiah should have been failed passed him again.They freely admitted he should have been failed but passed him.

The problem now is this. Jeremiah has learned how to play the "game" .He does very little,learns nothing,disrupts classes,is very disrespectful,and has even been suspend off and on already through this year. His first report card clearly showed us he was headed down a wrong path again. We recieved the 2nd report card only yesterday and it was confirmed he has failed Science and has four Incomplete grades.Based on past history those " I " letter grades will be changed to " F" failing grades. Regardless,even seeing the proof of his lack of work he still says he's passing.

Please help,any advice is welcome. The constent problems he causes in the house has caused all of us health problems and now my youngest son is complaining of tummy pains.
There is more to the problems but it would end up reading like a book so I've tried to make this post as short as I can.
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jenn stanley
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Re:15 year old son will not accept reality - 2007/04/14 12:55 I wonder if you can't go to the school board and start asking some questions.? The school said they knowingly passed him last year when they should have failed him right? well if you might say to your son(by the way I myself have had to go to the school board and superintendant re:my 15 yr old daughter) that you are going to talk to the school board and the superintendant to see what you as a parent can do about this,maybe your son would think"oh crap my smooth ride in school just got bumpy" Another suggestion have you guys though about a counselor ?? My family is utilizing a counselor and most of them take insurance or do a sliding scale for self pay individuals. when you feel like you are at wits end and you have exhausted almost every avenue try to seek outside resources if you can afford it.There's nothing sweeter than when a counselor tells your defiant teen"listen bud you are making destructive desicions regarding your future and your education IS your future" So good luck because all of us parents need it!!
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Tracyleeann
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Re:15 year old son will not accept reality - 2007/04/14 23:03 Thank you for answering my post and for the advice,I was beginning to think I should have given more info on everything Jeremiah has done in order for someone to actually take my post seriously.I don't mean that comment to sound bad,its just so many other who are posting have more serious problems.The fact is I could have posted on almost every board about Jeremiah. He lies,steals,hits his younger brother,tells off the Teachers. We can't even leave him home by himself because he might burn the house down,not because he wants to,its just he puts something up agains the fireplace to watch it melt.He will then yell at my husband and myself because we won't leave him home alone,he can't understand why we don't trust him.

As great as counsolers are they are not good in my town.Even the Teachers have caused problems for us as a family in the past.My youngest son was overheard in school at recess a few years ago saying," I'm hungry I didn't get breakfast this morning" One of the Teachers overheard and called Child Services and turned us in for not feeding our children! The fact was it was the day after Halloween.My son had a hissy fit because I wouldn't allow him to have Halloween candy for breakfast and he decided he wasn't eatting and going to school without his Bacon and Eggs! When Child Services came over to check the house and the kids they knew there had been a mistake since there was food all over the place ( I have an open pantry) not to mention I come from a Russian Heritage and I would never let anyone leave without offering food .

Because of these lovely problems with people my Husband refuses to allow any outside help even though Jeremiah really needs it. He has been tasted for learning problems..nothing.Hes been tested for other problems..nothing.He isn't taking drugs either. We're convienced hes just really smart and learned how to work the system. The school has taught him that.He can do whatever he wants and they pass him.The problem is that stops this year and due to the school's past and us in the past always telling him if he doesn't work he'll fail,hes learned he doesn't have to work and they pass him!

He lies about everything.If you asked him who put the glass on the table and you and him are the only ones in the house he would say he didn't do it.

He has a problem with moving on. Grade 7 he liked a girl who gave him his first kiss.He dumped her because his friends told him she was ugly. Grade 8 everyone thought she was cute,he wanted her,he went after her all year. She likes boys that are "Punks" boys who are "Emo" so he turned into what she wanted. He treated everyone badly and cut himself to fit in to what she liked. She became his girlfriend then cheated on him and had sex with someone else and dumped him. It didn't matter to Jeremiah he wanted her anyway...he just kept trying to impress her.Because of all his efforts through the year (and yes we did have more problems with the cutting he did to himself ) he actually should have failed but again the Teachers passed him...why?? because he was in 2 modified classes and because of that they had to pass him...That was there explaination!!! So this year no modified classes..We made sure of that!
First part of this year again he was making it his goal to get this same girl,"She'll be mine by Christmas" and she was! but she again cheated on him and dumped him. Didn't matter though he wanted her and still did more to impress her. And this again went on and on till just a few days ago we learned she was out of school and moving.

Now Jeremiah has to deal with the problems and he won't.He is still to this day saying,"I'm going to pass" We've had meeting with the Teachers who have flat out told him if he continues this way he will fail,his reply,"I'm going to pass"

Whew,that sort of felt good telling someone else all this.Its still not everything but at least I can make it through this day without a little less on my shoulders to carry alone.
I just hope someone actually has time to read it all.
Thank you in advance for reading this and any answers that follow
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jenn stanley
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Re:15 year old son will not accept reality - 2007/04/15 21:24 WOW you and i should be on oprah ! my story is just as exhausting but you are right ,it does feel good to let it off your shoulders for an hour huh? I completely understand the hopelessness and the other fact that your husband does not trust outside help.I mean i have actually been there too!! Briefly i will say my ex husband (when divorcing him in1999) teamed up with his mom and dad(my in laws whom claimed to love me so much) all 3 of them fought me on custody of my 2 children(at the time were ages 3 and 5) and they won!!! after 1 year of being forced to give my mother in law temporary guardianship she took that and ran when thr next year i filed for divorce. You see my husband was an alcoholic and always trying to kill himself(he had 9 police reports by the time it went to court) and they(my wonderful in laws) claimed that i couldn't protect the kids from their dad. after the last suicide attemt they diagnosed him with bipolar. In addition he was doing drugs and was an alcoholic(still is to this day) but I was threatened by my mother in law taht if i did not give her my kids for a few months(while their father got treatment) then she guaranteed me that DFS would come and take the kids away from me!!!! So that is how the beginning of my hell for 7 years! I had thought of giving up on ever getting my kids back from these "evil"people but something in me kept on telling me not to give up no matter how hard it will become. now they have been home since december 20th of 2003! I thought when they came back home life would finally be on track!BOY WAS I WRONG. I have since remarried and had another child and we not only have all the past problems with what my 2 children had to endure those 7 years but we have blended family issues and school issues with my daughter who is 15 years old! On top of that my ex inlaws seem to think that what they did to my kids is really not that big of a deal.Life is so difficult when we always think we are doing everything we possibly can to rear our children the best way!! I hope you can get some other great advice from other parents,but i just want to say to you and your family...Pray for god to guide your son and to use you as that tool,to calm you and your husbands minds and hearts. You definately seem like a devoted mom. When i finally started praying for god to help me through this he i got my kids back within no time and i even told my ex mother in law that i forgave her for what she did. Whatever it is that you do to pray or cope just remember you are a great mom and do not give up hope!!!! And also sorry for rambing on and on!
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Tracyleeann
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Re:15 year old son will not accept reality - 2007/04/15 21:52 Thank you Jenn for sharing more of your story with me and for the advice.
I agree we could be Oprah LOL.

Its hard to watch what Jeremiah is doing to himself considering all I went through as a child.
I never knew my real Dad,he took off when he found out my Mom was expecting,they had been engaged but I guess he couldn't handle it. First stepdad I had was a drinker and beat my Mom and I. Second Stepdad sexually abused me starting at age 4 till I was 13. It didn't matter that I told my Mother what was going on and others in the family knew he was doing this,no one came to my rescue and I endured until my Mom finally kicked him out when I was 14. At age 15 I had an arguement with my Mother and she kicked me out..same day new stepdad moved in.

I have done everything to correct mistakes that were made to me as a child. I married my now husband at age 17 ( I actually moved in with him when my Mother kicked me out). My husband and I were told we couldn't have children but at age 26 I found out I was pregnant...naturally and by God's grace we had Jeremiah.When Jeremiah was 4 months old I found out I was pregnant again but lost the baby on Oct 3...Feb I was pregnant again with our second son and last child. I have done everything I can to help my children and create a happy loving home. I've continued to teach them about God and his mercy and love. I will not however take Jeremiah to church. His lack of respect to his elders is too much to handle. He treats me like I was 15 and his equal,talking down to me every chance he has. In one breath he will treat me like dirt and 5 minutes later ask me for something. He has no idea that his treatment of others will direct the path they choose to treat him in return.

I had no idea that when I was kicked out at 15 that at age 41 I would still be treated like a 15 year old,this time by my own son. I've been told he has alot of anger in him. I can't understand why he would be angry? We've asked him over and over again and the same answer,"I'm not". He isn't lacking in material things. He also gets all the attention he needs or requires. Being a stay at home Mom I try and make sure when the boys come home from school they walk into a loving home,filled with things baking and so forth.
What I don't understand is if I am such a rotten parent why is my youngest son polite,works hard at school and brings home A's and B's (trust me he isn't perfect,hes a bit of a slob...messy little boy LOL ) . If we were bad parents wouldn't both of my sons be acting the same way as Jeremiah?

What am I doing wrong??
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Re:15 year old son will not accept reality - 2007/04/30 10:09 Your concern for your son despite the fact that his school system is allowing him to go on to the next levels is commendable. Despite your bringing this to the school’s attention and their failed attempts at action, it is good that you as a parent want to take action on your own. In order to continue this, it is really now between you and your son. Convincing him that continuing to play the “game” will be ultimately detrimental to his intellectual and emotional growth can be aggravating, but what is most important is to keep at it. Keep on talking to him about his progress in school, despite how the school may evaluate him. Make your own home evaluation of his school level, even to the point of testing him just to prove to him that he needs to work. Explain to him the importance of all this, talk to him about the true value of learning which he is not getting even if some teachers may pass him for levels which he has not yet reached.
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