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Boardwalk :: Forum List Reading the Signs Problem teen or normal behaviour?
fencersmom
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unique problem - any advice? - 2007/09/29 19:16 this will be a bit long - sorry
We were (we thought) a happy family of 4 - mom, dad, daughter, son - but we had a family friend who cultivated a relationship with daughter outside of his relationship with the rest of us. Have now found that he was talking to her every night on her cell phone between 10 and midnight since she was 16 (at least). Just after daughter turned 18 (yes, I know she's legal) this man helped her run away. We tried family therapy, but everything we say is repeated to this man and then she is hostile and rude. I understand she is 18 and legally there is nothing we can do - but I am still her mother and I truly believe she has been brainwashed by this man (she is totally different). There were no fights for the 3 months before she left - she now proudly tells me "I lied to you for months". I don't know what this man's motovation is - but I fear for my daughter - he is totally controlling her. He is 41 and married (his wife defends his actions), she still has no job so he must be paying her bills, she is driving his vehicle, and he tells her what to think (but she thinks she is in total control of her life). I understand she is 18, but just want to find some help for her - if she were a drug addict or an alcholic we could find help for her - but so far no help for our situation. We have not spoken to her since April, and she is suing me for the items she left behind (my husband and I decided together that she must not want them so we gave them away - it wasn't much and we had bought it). Can anyone here offer any help? Please?
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tti_admin
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Re:unique problem - any advice? - 2007/10/01 16:58 It can definitely be hard to keep your daughter from doing the things she wants to do at 18. Like you mentioned, she may as very well been “brain-washed” by this ‘family friend.’ If you remember those petty crushes that drove young girls wild, the problem with this situation is that the petty ‘crush’ that your daughter may have had on this guy when she was just 16 must have developed into a full-blown fixation by now at 18 because of how he chose to manipulate the situation at hand with all those late-night calls and what not. Because of this, it can be hard to get to your daughter in order for her to be on your side and realize that this man (who is even married) is actually on the negative side. What you may opt to do is take things slowly, try not to bombard her with the cold truth because she may just explode and react in total defiance. What you can do is talk to her and gently explain how different details of the whole situation that man got her in are wrong. You can take it part by part and at different times as well, so as not to overwhelm her with one long telling. Try and engage her in conversation and don’t just make it seem like you are lecturing the entire time. Converse back and forth so she can feel comfortable and you both can communicate smoothly. Advice from family can be ignored when a teen is really set on her own point of view. But she should be able to see your way with your loving patience.
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fencersmom
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Re:unique problem - any advice? - 2007/10/01 18:21 I can see the point you are making - but since she refuses to talk to us - haven't talked to her since April 27 - this plan really isn't possible. When we were talking and would bring up points like you suggested - she would just go back and tell him and he would twist what we had said and she would get mad at us.
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Re:unique problem - any advice? - 2007/10/02 08:44 Since the man is really manipulating the situation, maybe you could try getting another person from her side to be on yours as well- possibly a friend of hers. It will definitely be difficult to get your daughter to believe and understand your side without some extra help. Hopefully you can speak with one of her friends that have an influence on her and explain your situation and how the man is not helping her but 'hurting' her. This way, once her friend truly sees things your way you can ask the friend to help out and talk to your daughter about her predicament. This way it may be easier to get her to see what's really happening.
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fencersmom
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Re:unique problem - any advice? - 2007/10/03 22:53 I guess I already knew there was nothing we can do - none of her friends will talk to her - they are all very angry with her, and most are doing their own thing - working, going to school etc. None are willing to talk to her - even IF she would talk to them, which she probably wouldn't. She has new friends - ones her "friend" approves of - ones who will also listen to his advice. Thanks anyway
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Boardwalk :: Forum List Reading the Signs Problem teen or normal behaviour?

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